Spring Refreshing

I'm not going to spend a ton of time this spring "cleaning" - instead I will be refreshing everything.  My outlook, my habits, my planning, my apartment.  I've lived in the same place for a number of years, and have accumulated a ton of clutter and dust bunnies - now it is awkward to bring people over because I didn't realize how very cave-like my home has become! 

I will of course attempt to make my changes one at a time.  My first goal is to keep the tv off at night and live more life.

Looking Back

While I have done a better job tracking my money and payments over the last year, I have not made an actual dent in the amount of money I owe on my credit cards. . . .

I'm not terribly surprised.  I've been trying to keep up with my regular standard of living - one that was established back when I was living at home with two working parents providing everything for me.  Yes, I still feel like I have access to the wealth we had when I was 10 years old.  My income always drops slightly for November and December while my consumer shopping impulses rise dramatically.

Thanks commercials.

So, while I am wearing a really cuuu-uuute sweater that was 40% off, I'm freaking out about how to pay my utilities for the first time.  I've always been able to get rent and utilities taken care of by the 5th (or 6th) of the month.  The cashflow has just been really stunted on the in-flow while still moveing freely on the outflow.  And I still really want a pair of brown flats. . . .

I think secretly, I still believe in prince charming or a fairy godmother to make the past go away.  Or the magical lottery ticket that I never buy but I will win the lottery anyway.  Obviously, this psychosis needs to be dealt with before financial health will come my way.  Because I fool myself into thinking I'm living frugally but then spend more than I make on a regular basis.  No more making fun of people with massive credit card debt.  Because I am that people.

Hard time for the Holidays

Is "Hard time" a euphemism for jail/prison? 

Not what I mean here.  What I'm going for is the pain and suffering that comes from not-knowing.  My significant other is awesome at his job and received a bunch of accolades from the upper echelon of management - that would be a good thing except for the fact that his corporate headquarters are far, far away.  And he is pretty certain that he will receive a promotion to work at the corporate headquarters in the not-too-distant future.

Waves of suckitude.  Because I am in a 2 year teaching-cert program.  Because long-distance is fraught with danger.  Because I've been imagining having his babies and being his wife.  Because he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't know how to keep me.  BECAUSE I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS POTENTIAL PROMOTION AT ALL!

The only thing I could potentially control in this?  Breaking up the relationship.  And as that is the exact opposite of what I want happening, I have taken to praying to all of the Saints I can think of - St. Jude, patron of hopeless cases, St. Anthony, to help me find my mind, St. Cecelia, patroness of the arts because relationships certainly aren't an exact science.

So in the meantime, we wait.  And my holidays are covered in dismal thoughts of relationship uncertitude.

Adults who think too much

As a child, part of the freedom of youth is not over thinking things.  Crushes are crushes, books are truth, adults are right.

As I've gotten older (not yet old), my brain works things over and over - putting time and energy into the skills of analysis that I've picked up throughout my education.  How do we solve the inequalities in the world?  Why does an author choose this language over that?  What was my senator thinking when he or she voted that way? 

One of my classes this semester was comprised of a group of adults (some still traditional college students, most of us had years between high school and this course - "life experience") given the task of reading and responding to Young Adult literature.   We had discussions about things from the ease and prevalence of meth addiction to the appropriateness of adolescent novels covering the topic of rape.  What we didn't hear was simple "I liked it" or "I hated it."  Every opinion was based on exhaustive analysis of whether or not a book had a right to exist in the hands of youth.

I'm not saying blind acceptance is preferred - absolutely not.  Higher level thought is vital to our country's discourse because every decision we make affects up to 7 billion people globally.

I'm just saying it is TIRING!

When Things Matter

I have been very focused inward for the past few months.  Starting school again has made my brain full of thoughts of studying and learning and questioning my professors.

However, an email from my AmeriCorps Alums group has caught my attention and called me to #FighttheZERO. 

Apparently, Members of Congress believe it is an option to eliminate funding for AmeriCorps completely.  I disagree.  We must look beyond the ideas that our country is lagging in education and losing its competitive edge, and we must see what we are getting correct.  A nationally-organized service organization is right.  An opportunity for young people to serve is right.  A resurgance in volunteerism and civic-mindedness is right.

AmeriCorps makes our country stronger in so many ways.  Just look for the twitter topic #FighttheZERO to see the multitude of Americans who were changed for the better from a year or two of service to other Americans.

I'll be an active part of the political landscape as I can, first by using social media as @mspennypolitico to contact the requisite politicians.  Because, yes, service matters.

Crazy Girl

This post is being written while I listen to "Crazy Girl" by the Eli Young Band.  (Click the post title for a link to the video)

Every once in a while (let's call it once a moon), I definitely find myself crazy.  I'm angsty and worried.  I can't stop thinking about things that I can't control.  In particular, I'm worried about the feelings my significant other has for me.  I know, objectively, that he enjoys spending time with me and cares for me deeply.  I see evidence of this fact in our daily phone calls, our weekend adventures.

The problem is, he isn't emotionally expressive.  We've talked about our relationship a few times; I've seen him struggle putting his feelings into words.  So I understand that I'm going to have to trust that he cares for me if he doesn't outright say it.  But what I wouldn't I give for him to say the lyrics of "Crazy Girl?" 

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

I mean, obviously, I would analyze the diminutives that the band uses when referring to the "girl" or "silly woman."  But I can relate to both wanting an outright expression of love, and realizing that my sig. other's actions show that he cares about me like crazy.

But today, I'm just worried.  Does he like me enough?  Am I a priority in his life?  Where do I fit into his future?  I've had guys talk about the future gratuitously, and I've received a few meaningless drunk "I love yous."  And those relationships have all ended.  So I know that words can be used without meaning.  And his actions certainly say what other guys' words have not.

Yet, today, my mind refuses to calm.  And I know I have to be careful and not act completely crazy.  But this is definitely the phase of the moon where I have less control over my feelings.  I could use an outright declaration, a statement of devotion, a reassurance in words which can hold stronger in my mind than memories of reaching for my hand to hold in public.

"Student loans: A crisis in waiting"

Looks like I am not alone in the loan/income struggle.  My MSN homepage featured a nicely written, short article about the state of student loans.  And yes, my total loan balance is higher than the average.

Here's the final paragraph:

""Unless students limit their debt burdens, choose fields of study that are in demand, and successfully complete their degrees on time, they will find themselves in worse financial positions and unable to earn the projected income that justified taking out their loans in the first place," Moody’s writes."

That is a LOT for an 18-22 year old to think about!  I know I certainly wasn't thinking of college as an investment that needed a certain amount of returns before being worthwhile.  College was what happened after high school.  You go to college for an education and experience life on your own.  And if a private school offers you scholarships and feels like a good place to call home for 4 years, that's all there is to it.

Sure, I could have majored in healthcare or engineering.  But I'm not sure I would have been successful in either area.  My passion is for people, particularly low-income families and education for all.  There just isn't money in working with kids.  They aren't yet producers and there will just never be money in working with people who don't have a lot.

See the whole article by following the link below:

http://money.msn.com/saving-money/article.aspx?post=557c0396-01c7-426b-8438-976aac650f27