Looking Back

While I have done a better job tracking my money and payments over the last year, I have not made an actual dent in the amount of money I owe on my credit cards. . . .

I'm not terribly surprised.  I've been trying to keep up with my regular standard of living - one that was established back when I was living at home with two working parents providing everything for me.  Yes, I still feel like I have access to the wealth we had when I was 10 years old.  My income always drops slightly for November and December while my consumer shopping impulses rise dramatically.

Thanks commercials.

So, while I am wearing a really cuuu-uuute sweater that was 40% off, I'm freaking out about how to pay my utilities for the first time.  I've always been able to get rent and utilities taken care of by the 5th (or 6th) of the month.  The cashflow has just been really stunted on the in-flow while still moveing freely on the outflow.  And I still really want a pair of brown flats. . . .

I think secretly, I still believe in prince charming or a fairy godmother to make the past go away.  Or the magical lottery ticket that I never buy but I will win the lottery anyway.  Obviously, this psychosis needs to be dealt with before financial health will come my way.  Because I fool myself into thinking I'm living frugally but then spend more than I make on a regular basis.  No more making fun of people with massive credit card debt.  Because I am that people.

Hard time for the Holidays

Is "Hard time" a euphemism for jail/prison? 

Not what I mean here.  What I'm going for is the pain and suffering that comes from not-knowing.  My significant other is awesome at his job and received a bunch of accolades from the upper echelon of management - that would be a good thing except for the fact that his corporate headquarters are far, far away.  And he is pretty certain that he will receive a promotion to work at the corporate headquarters in the not-too-distant future.

Waves of suckitude.  Because I am in a 2 year teaching-cert program.  Because long-distance is fraught with danger.  Because I've been imagining having his babies and being his wife.  Because he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't know how to keep me.  BECAUSE I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS POTENTIAL PROMOTION AT ALL!

The only thing I could potentially control in this?  Breaking up the relationship.  And as that is the exact opposite of what I want happening, I have taken to praying to all of the Saints I can think of - St. Jude, patron of hopeless cases, St. Anthony, to help me find my mind, St. Cecelia, patroness of the arts because relationships certainly aren't an exact science.

So in the meantime, we wait.  And my holidays are covered in dismal thoughts of relationship uncertitude.

Adults who think too much

As a child, part of the freedom of youth is not over thinking things.  Crushes are crushes, books are truth, adults are right.

As I've gotten older (not yet old), my brain works things over and over - putting time and energy into the skills of analysis that I've picked up throughout my education.  How do we solve the inequalities in the world?  Why does an author choose this language over that?  What was my senator thinking when he or she voted that way? 

One of my classes this semester was comprised of a group of adults (some still traditional college students, most of us had years between high school and this course - "life experience") given the task of reading and responding to Young Adult literature.   We had discussions about things from the ease and prevalence of meth addiction to the appropriateness of adolescent novels covering the topic of rape.  What we didn't hear was simple "I liked it" or "I hated it."  Every opinion was based on exhaustive analysis of whether or not a book had a right to exist in the hands of youth.

I'm not saying blind acceptance is preferred - absolutely not.  Higher level thought is vital to our country's discourse because every decision we make affects up to 7 billion people globally.

I'm just saying it is TIRING!