Hard time for the Holidays

Is "Hard time" a euphemism for jail/prison? 

Not what I mean here.  What I'm going for is the pain and suffering that comes from not-knowing.  My significant other is awesome at his job and received a bunch of accolades from the upper echelon of management - that would be a good thing except for the fact that his corporate headquarters are far, far away.  And he is pretty certain that he will receive a promotion to work at the corporate headquarters in the not-too-distant future.

Waves of suckitude.  Because I am in a 2 year teaching-cert program.  Because long-distance is fraught with danger.  Because I've been imagining having his babies and being his wife.  Because he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't know how to keep me.  BECAUSE I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS POTENTIAL PROMOTION AT ALL!

The only thing I could potentially control in this?  Breaking up the relationship.  And as that is the exact opposite of what I want happening, I have taken to praying to all of the Saints I can think of - St. Jude, patron of hopeless cases, St. Anthony, to help me find my mind, St. Cecelia, patroness of the arts because relationships certainly aren't an exact science.

So in the meantime, we wait.  And my holidays are covered in dismal thoughts of relationship uncertitude.

Crazy Girl

This post is being written while I listen to "Crazy Girl" by the Eli Young Band.  (Click the post title for a link to the video)

Every once in a while (let's call it once a moon), I definitely find myself crazy.  I'm angsty and worried.  I can't stop thinking about things that I can't control.  In particular, I'm worried about the feelings my significant other has for me.  I know, objectively, that he enjoys spending time with me and cares for me deeply.  I see evidence of this fact in our daily phone calls, our weekend adventures.

The problem is, he isn't emotionally expressive.  We've talked about our relationship a few times; I've seen him struggle putting his feelings into words.  So I understand that I'm going to have to trust that he cares for me if he doesn't outright say it.  But what I wouldn't I give for him to say the lyrics of "Crazy Girl?" 

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

I mean, obviously, I would analyze the diminutives that the band uses when referring to the "girl" or "silly woman."  But I can relate to both wanting an outright expression of love, and realizing that my sig. other's actions show that he cares about me like crazy.

But today, I'm just worried.  Does he like me enough?  Am I a priority in his life?  Where do I fit into his future?  I've had guys talk about the future gratuitously, and I've received a few meaningless drunk "I love yous."  And those relationships have all ended.  So I know that words can be used without meaning.  And his actions certainly say what other guys' words have not.

Yet, today, my mind refuses to calm.  And I know I have to be careful and not act completely crazy.  But this is definitely the phase of the moon where I have less control over my feelings.  I could use an outright declaration, a statement of devotion, a reassurance in words which can hold stronger in my mind than memories of reaching for my hand to hold in public.

Missing . . .

Our relationship was short but intense - a few weeks but we spoke every day and spent so many nights together.  It felt like at least a 3 month long relationship - and I was falling deeply in love.

The break up was 2 hours before I was going to introduce him to my family. 

While part of me can look back and see that there are a lot of aspects of his character that I would not have wanted long term, I still look back and feel the pain of not knowing him anymore.  It has been a week since we broke up, I cried, adjusted my eye make-up and went out with my family, and I'm doing my best to put the relationship in perspective.  But, little things remind me of him.  We had inside jokes, and opinions on everything under the sun.  And I want to tell him about my week, and I want to lean into that nook where his shoulder meets his chest and watch tv together, and I want him back and I know that going backwards is not where I will find happiness.

He was enough goodness to miss.  But the relationship was short enough to know that most of the emotion was on my side.  I have to hope that I will find all of his good qualities in someone else - with fewer of the bad sides of his personality.

I have to hope that I will be able to move on.

I have to hope that  . . . . I will have someone to hold me and stroke my hair and start a family with and put up with my intellectualisms and love me back.

Ever-wise

I'm trying to make intelligence supercede emotions in all aspects of my life - especially since I've identified that unhappiness results in spending sprees (food or random stuff at Target) which results in more debt-based unhappiness.

Even so, at the same time, I am still trying to find a life partner. 

Do you know how difficult it is to apply "what I know" to dating when "what I feel" is so much stronger?  and when I overthink a relationship, it is doomed to fail anyway.  Truly, going with emotions can be a better option if I really want to fall in love.

But I'm not ready to fall in love only to get heartbroken again!  I'm seeing myself transform into a cynical, empty, baggage-ful 20something.  Two months ago, I chose to end a relationship that just wasn't passionate enough.  I've been rewarded with a handful of guys who are more focused on the assets I carry in my sweater than my brain power and personality. 

This weekend, I spent a day with a new man - one who I've been talking to for over a month and just wasn't getting a good read on him via text message (when I say "talking to" I mean texting.  Texts are the new phone call.  I hate it.  But at least I don't have to worry about going over on my minutes?).  Anyway, new guy has terrible texting grammar - I thought either he was not a native English speaker or slightly MR.  In real life, he was surprisingly easy to joke with, although he wasn't reading my expressions very well.  We spent AGES together, watching sports, movies, talking about stuff, and making out.  ;) 

I really enjoyed myself and want to see him again.  Everyday.  Which my mind tells me is not the way this is going to go down.  Over the past month, I've found that he is not good at a) planning ahead and b) asking me for a date.  Now that we've gotten the first date taken care of, will he improve?  Do I continue to pursue other people online? 

Where do I stop worrying and start living?  The stronger I feel about a man, the more likely I am to be impatient regarding communication and date frequency - which leads to chronic disappointment because HONESTLY PENNY! it is never a good idea for a guy to be able to text/call/email you throughout the day.  It means he is unemployed or a slacker at work. 

I'm reminding myself to relax.  I'm reminding myself to let the relationship flow and develop.  I do not need to over-think this.  I can use my braincells for figuring out my money situation - and just let my emotions overwhelm me.  Because THAT is the best part of dating.  The beginning lust and excitement!