Money Diet Fail

You know those nights, where it is 11pm and you're starving and the only thing in the fridge is Greek yogurt or Hormel pepperoni?

This was me last night - I'm starrrrving!  I want cheeeeeese!  I tried microwaving some frozen veggies, but without cream cheese or provel cheese or any meat to be had in the house (hmm didn't consider frozen veggies and pepperoni. . . maybe next night of desperation).  I didn't have time to run to the grocery store before it closed because of an assignment I had put off which was due at midnight.  And let's be honest, I didn't feel like going back in the car and out. 

Soooo I ordered a pizza.  and not any discount pizza.  name-brand-$15-bc-I-like-multiple-toppings pizza.   Proud of myself for not getting the 2 liter soda to go along with it.  So angry with myself for such a lame move.  

I really do not have this whole eating on a budget idea down.  Know that I make terrible decisions when underfed.  Need guru.  And need to crave yogurt before it goes bad.  I'm thinking yogurt for lunch tomorrow!  With a side of pepperoni.  Get psyched tastebuds, it's gonna be interesting.

At least I have some leftover pizza for tonight ;)

Half-time deferment rules!

Back to school means -

NO STUDENT LOAN PAYMENTS FOR TWO YEARS!!!

I'm so excited!  Still working out how to make the best use of my $$ during this time period.  Pretty sure that it only frees things up to help pay for credit card balances.  And perhaps, I'll be able to save for tuition/book money for next semester.  I'm still doing that whole "Cut Back" mentality and trying to restrict unnecessary spending. 

Still, I'm looking around my apartment from time to time, trying to figure out what I could perhaps sell and get money from.  Also, I am planning on not renewing my current lease and moving in with a roommate this winter, a savings of up to $100 per month!

It is a beautiful day, folks.

On "Change Is Slow"

"If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind... "By Sister Hazel

I love this song and I am working so dilligently on trying to change my mindset and let that lead my changed actions.  So let's recognize the good changes I have made:

* I bought ingredients at the grocery store last night instead of frozen meals or weird single lady food
* I went for a walk on tuesday after work - having packed my workout clothes in the morning!
* I agreed to a big change with my hair color and cut, so that I would be more polished looking when I head to work
* I made an appointment with a career advisor to see if I can get out of this JOB and into something I actually want to do
* I took out the trash even though I didn't want to

Aaaaand I'm actively ignoring the things that I have done wrong over the past week.  I don't have to do them wrong again, and my mind is not getting any healthier or happier if I dwell on negative thoughts.

More neutral or happy thoughts to come.  I'm changing my mind to be more positive and focusing on the things going well. 

Oh, also?  It may not be seen here due to the lack of time I spend editing, but I am awesome at grammar!

I forgot about the Caffeine!!!!

Official day 2 of not buying breakfast - partial success.  I left the house knowing that my free pastry from panera was waiting for me - and did not actually follow through on my thoughts to set up the timer on my coffee pot.

So I stopped for gas and bought a soda.  I didn't even really want a soda since it is a chilly fake-spring day - I wanted coffee but it is more expensive! 

I may have forgotten to explain/define exactly what this step accomplishes on my list of goals - to save calories and money and bc I admire people who get up in the morning and do stuff around the house before leaving for work.  I really want to become someone I admire instead of someone who feels guilty for her shortcomings on a regular basis.

So - will continue working on this whole breakfast-at-home thing. 

And let's celebrate how awesome I was last night - I both did dishes AND cleared the drain on my bathtub AND cleaned it.  A slow moving drain will cause a bathtub to get ridiculously dirty.  Yes, flowing water carries away your scum.  No, the scum on a slow-draining tub doesn't look clean, even if I do after showering.  I feel like an accomplished grownup whenever I tackle routine cleaning projects. 

Tomorrow, I'll contemplate posting the entire list of my goals.  I'm torn between putting them up here - on one hand, it will help me stay focused / on the other, a list can tend to make me feel overwhelmed.

Inspiration

More text to come - essentially needing a new project in my life.  Thinking about journaling on healthy lifestyle changes.  So that I can lose my 20lbs to buy a new pair of shoes (current goal!).  And so that I can have a purpose in life since my job is a job and not a career.

Will add more to this post later today . . .

Added:  I have been reading blogs since procrastinating during senior year of college.  http://www.dooce.com/ still makes me laugh out loud and I looooove all of her photographs.  She led me to http://www.loveisblonde.com/ which led me to Mission: Put-Together this past Feb which led me to http://www.heidikins.com/  All very fun to read - each at different places in their lives.  I will definitely say that I have been influenced greatly by each which will show up from time to time in the style or content of my writing.

And Mission: Put - Together made me go to http://www.boden.com/ and http://www.anthropologie.com/ to make the inspirational collage at the top of this post.

I need my life to be more "put-together" or productive or even interesting.  This past weekend was typical for me - sleep too much, read a lil bit, reach out to my limited social network.  The positive note is that I didn't spend much money.  The negative side is I felt like a very boring person.

The book I started reading last night is A Golden Age by Tahmima Anam about the civil war that led E. Pakistan into its new life as Bangladesh.  One of the early passages describes a mother of two, enjoying dawn as it spans across her garden.  She is peaceful even though she's had to make a number of sacrifices to be at that place in her life. 

I want to get to that type of peaceful place.  Many days I awake with a feeling of "annoyance" or worse, total depressive thoughts (not to be confused with days of depression).  I have so many good things on my side - indoor plumbing, supportive family, generous boyfriend (still a new relationship - when does that new feeling change into "I-can't-remember-life-without-you"?)

So I have many goals and have written out some steps to take.   So that I don't get overwhelmed by doing too much at the beginning and FAIIIILLLLING - the first step is going to be ~

Eat breakfast at home

So far, I have accomplished this every day since Friday.  Monday will be my official adding of steps day, and I'm excited to continue this trend which has already shown some success.  I have an easy (free) pastry to consume tomorrow, and the real trick will be Wednesday.  Getting up early enough to either make eggs or oatmeal.

I'm definitely scared of change.  Not in love with who I am, but don't know if I'll like the new person as much either. . .

Eggs and Eggs

Some of my negative feelings are stemming from the fact that I am a) poor b) lumpy.

Seriously, have a credit card problem.  Spent $455.81 in the last few weeks.  Legitimate trips to the grocery store?  Gasoline?  sure.  but also going out and dining out, and not letting boyfriend spoil me when we go out with my family (pride? or just not the same as a date?  not sure but has a negative impact on my financial health.  no more wine bars, MOM!)

Seriously, have a physical fitness/appearance problem.  Was photographed in a t-shirt and workout shorts on mother's day.  Wearing a fitted shirt today.  Serious lumps/rolls/extra flesh I don't want underneath revealed by photos and even the mirror!

So, how do I keep eating?  Bc food is costly AND necessary.  So eggs it is.  I already have about 2 dozen (bc of an easter miscommunication).  Can a girl be malnourished if eggs become her protein for every single meal for 2 weeks?  Or will my body simply eat my fat as hoped for?  and my credit card balances not rise?

I can get creative with canned tuna and tomatoes and other veggies.  Also, I have 4 different types of cheese in my fridge (mostly processed enough to never spoil  oops). 

Soo . . . . challenge accepted!!

Doldrums

Is that how it is spelled?  This feeling that I have nothing to look forward to, no goals, no plans, no motivation?

I still do things that make me happy - fleetingly.

And work sucks.