Our relationship was short but intense - a few weeks but we spoke every day and spent so many nights together. It felt like at least a 3 month long relationship - and I was falling deeply in love.
The break up was 2 hours before I was going to introduce him to my family.
While part of me can look back and see that there are a lot of aspects of his character that I would not have wanted long term, I still look back and feel the pain of not knowing him anymore. It has been a week since we broke up, I cried, adjusted my eye make-up and went out with my family, and I'm doing my best to put the relationship in perspective. But, little things remind me of him. We had inside jokes, and opinions on everything under the sun. And I want to tell him about my week, and I want to lean into that nook where his shoulder meets his chest and watch tv together, and I want him back and I know that going backwards is not where I will find happiness.
He was enough goodness to miss. But the relationship was short enough to know that most of the emotion was on my side. I have to hope that I will find all of his good qualities in someone else - with fewer of the bad sides of his personality.
I have to hope that I will be able to move on.
I have to hope that . . . . I will have someone to hold me and stroke my hair and start a family with and put up with my intellectualisms and love me back.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Love-ing
Not everything on here has to be about money and negativity, right?
I am loving my new-found method of using eye shadow and a skinny brush as eye liner. I know that this is a method that has been around for a while, but I finally got into it! I love the dark eye shadow line I can put on with my new thin and angled brush thingy - yay for fun christmas presents! and the instruction cards that come with them! I'm so excited to define my eyes without having to tug on them the way traditional eye liner makes me.
Also, we are having a goooorgeous break in the weather which means it is safe to once again walk around in heels. My winter wardrobe was jeans, boots, and warm layers on top. Now, I do work in an office (albeit a pretty casual one) so I felt underdressed compared to the deep cherry desk and framed art on the wall! It is amazing how simply wearing heels makes me feel prettier and classier.
And necklaces! I've been having more fun accessorizing, and am making sure I either wear a bold necklace, heels, or a fun scarf as often as possible.
I am loving my new-found method of using eye shadow and a skinny brush as eye liner. I know that this is a method that has been around for a while, but I finally got into it! I love the dark eye shadow line I can put on with my new thin and angled brush thingy - yay for fun christmas presents! and the instruction cards that come with them! I'm so excited to define my eyes without having to tug on them the way traditional eye liner makes me.
Also, we are having a goooorgeous break in the weather which means it is safe to once again walk around in heels. My winter wardrobe was jeans, boots, and warm layers on top. Now, I do work in an office (albeit a pretty casual one) so I felt underdressed compared to the deep cherry desk and framed art on the wall! It is amazing how simply wearing heels makes me feel prettier and classier.
And necklaces! I've been having more fun accessorizing, and am making sure I either wear a bold necklace, heels, or a fun scarf as often as possible.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Finally, a live one!
So, I have been struggling with the student loans. I have one autopaid every month and one that I pay by phone every month, which I've kept up with fairly well. Then! Right about when I tried "consolidating" a new mystery loan shows up, sometime around this summer.
Well! With all of the scammers out there, I did not believe this loan company was legitimate. I did my due process by calling the numbers listed, googling the company name and "fraud," and even going to the website of the company directly (even though I immediately scanned my computer for viruses and spyware afterwards).
The phone numbers led to automated dead ends. In order to find out ANY information, they first require my social security number! But so does that African prince that wants to give me a million dollars! I press 0 even though it isn't an option - repeat "operator" "representative" and any other customer service buzzwords that I can to try and find a real person!
Luckily, my expensive education leads to me finding the student loan clearinghouse - one of my federal loans was sold to this unfriendly, mysterious loan servicing company. Direct Loans, a heads up on your end would have been nice! Unfortunately, I never had the 250ish bucks to pay this loan back regularly. I would scrape together $500 every other month or so, send in late payments, all kinds of things that get reported to the credit bureau. With Christmas and a bad set of earnings for November (paid vacation turned into unpaid vacation that I wasn't notified about until after I took the personal time), I was like 700ish behind. THIS brought about a phone call from a real person!
I essentially told the man on the phone that I was poor, that I had submitted the paperwork for a forebearance, and I did not have any money, and infact my adjusted gross income for 2009 was NEGATIVE!! Yes, that's right, because of tuition payments, the government says I made -355 dollars in one year.
This 15min conversation with a real, live person has resulted in my 250ish monthly payment being adjusted down to income-contingient, and more realistic $25/month payment!
Success! I will be able to autopay that, your company will get payments each month, and my credit score should recover! Now, why oh why didn't I have the option to speak to someone back in July?
Well! With all of the scammers out there, I did not believe this loan company was legitimate. I did my due process by calling the numbers listed, googling the company name and "fraud," and even going to the website of the company directly (even though I immediately scanned my computer for viruses and spyware afterwards).
The phone numbers led to automated dead ends. In order to find out ANY information, they first require my social security number! But so does that African prince that wants to give me a million dollars! I press 0 even though it isn't an option - repeat "operator" "representative" and any other customer service buzzwords that I can to try and find a real person!
Luckily, my expensive education leads to me finding the student loan clearinghouse - one of my federal loans was sold to this unfriendly, mysterious loan servicing company. Direct Loans, a heads up on your end would have been nice! Unfortunately, I never had the 250ish bucks to pay this loan back regularly. I would scrape together $500 every other month or so, send in late payments, all kinds of things that get reported to the credit bureau. With Christmas and a bad set of earnings for November (paid vacation turned into unpaid vacation that I wasn't notified about until after I took the personal time), I was like 700ish behind. THIS brought about a phone call from a real person!
I essentially told the man on the phone that I was poor, that I had submitted the paperwork for a forebearance, and I did not have any money, and infact my adjusted gross income for 2009 was NEGATIVE!! Yes, that's right, because of tuition payments, the government says I made -355 dollars in one year.
This 15min conversation with a real, live person has resulted in my 250ish monthly payment being adjusted down to income-contingient, and more realistic $25/month payment!
Success! I will be able to autopay that, your company will get payments each month, and my credit score should recover! Now, why oh why didn't I have the option to speak to someone back in July?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Scheduling Difficulties
So I've set up my 4 student loans to come due at different times of the month - especially important to balance out from my rent payment and car insurance payment.
Currently we've got
Loan #1 the 1st of the month
Loan #2 the 14th of the month
Loan #3 the 21st of the month
Loan #4 idk - only been paying this one for a month
Soooo essentially, making this many separate payments each month makes me internally feel as though I've got the loans for each month covered. Until I call in to make a payment and find out the amount is 2x or 3x what I expected - meaning the due date has passed and they want multi payments now!
I'm crying inside thinking about all of it. I've signed up for so many "paperless statements" that I don't know where the information about payments is kept. Each website has separate requirements for passwords and usernames, and I'm absolutely sick of technology - especially since my money is only ever numbers on a screen.
At least, my new excel spreadsheet should help me track payments more easily. But writing it into a spreadsheet is not going to help me get money in the bank to back these scheduled payments.
I just want to get to a place where I can DECIDE where my money goes! I am sending 600ish dollars to student loans each month to pay loans with 4-8% interest when I really WANT to send about 100 bucks to them and $500 extra to my 29% card. Why wouldn't that work, student loan people?
Currently we've got
Loan #1 the 1st of the month
Loan #2 the 14th of the month
Loan #3 the 21st of the month
Loan #4 idk - only been paying this one for a month
Soooo essentially, making this many separate payments each month makes me internally feel as though I've got the loans for each month covered. Until I call in to make a payment and find out the amount is 2x or 3x what I expected - meaning the due date has passed and they want multi payments now!
I'm crying inside thinking about all of it. I've signed up for so many "paperless statements" that I don't know where the information about payments is kept. Each website has separate requirements for passwords and usernames, and I'm absolutely sick of technology - especially since my money is only ever numbers on a screen.
At least, my new excel spreadsheet should help me track payments more easily. But writing it into a spreadsheet is not going to help me get money in the bank to back these scheduled payments.
I just want to get to a place where I can DECIDE where my money goes! I am sending 600ish dollars to student loans each month to pay loans with 4-8% interest when I really WANT to send about 100 bucks to them and $500 extra to my 29% card. Why wouldn't that work, student loan people?
Ever-wise
I'm trying to make intelligence supercede emotions in all aspects of my life - especially since I've identified that unhappiness results in spending sprees (food or random stuff at Target) which results in more debt-based unhappiness.
Even so, at the same time, I am still trying to find a life partner.
Do you know how difficult it is to apply "what I know" to dating when "what I feel" is so much stronger? and when I overthink a relationship, it is doomed to fail anyway. Truly, going with emotions can be a better option if I really want to fall in love.
But I'm not ready to fall in love only to get heartbroken again! I'm seeing myself transform into a cynical, empty, baggage-ful 20something. Two months ago, I chose to end a relationship that just wasn't passionate enough. I've been rewarded with a handful of guys who are more focused on the assets I carry in my sweater than my brain power and personality.
This weekend, I spent a day with a new man - one who I've been talking to for over a month and just wasn't getting a good read on him via text message (when I say "talking to" I mean texting. Texts are the new phone call. I hate it. But at least I don't have to worry about going over on my minutes?). Anyway, new guy has terrible texting grammar - I thought either he was not a native English speaker or slightly MR. In real life, he was surprisingly easy to joke with, although he wasn't reading my expressions very well. We spent AGES together, watching sports, movies, talking about stuff, and making out. ;)
I really enjoyed myself and want to see him again. Everyday. Which my mind tells me is not the way this is going to go down. Over the past month, I've found that he is not good at a) planning ahead and b) asking me for a date. Now that we've gotten the first date taken care of, will he improve? Do I continue to pursue other people online?
Where do I stop worrying and start living? The stronger I feel about a man, the more likely I am to be impatient regarding communication and date frequency - which leads to chronic disappointment because HONESTLY PENNY! it is never a good idea for a guy to be able to text/call/email you throughout the day. It means he is unemployed or a slacker at work.
I'm reminding myself to relax. I'm reminding myself to let the relationship flow and develop. I do not need to over-think this. I can use my braincells for figuring out my money situation - and just let my emotions overwhelm me. Because THAT is the best part of dating. The beginning lust and excitement!
Even so, at the same time, I am still trying to find a life partner.
Do you know how difficult it is to apply "what I know" to dating when "what I feel" is so much stronger? and when I overthink a relationship, it is doomed to fail anyway. Truly, going with emotions can be a better option if I really want to fall in love.
But I'm not ready to fall in love only to get heartbroken again! I'm seeing myself transform into a cynical, empty, baggage-ful 20something. Two months ago, I chose to end a relationship that just wasn't passionate enough. I've been rewarded with a handful of guys who are more focused on the assets I carry in my sweater than my brain power and personality.
This weekend, I spent a day with a new man - one who I've been talking to for over a month and just wasn't getting a good read on him via text message (when I say "talking to" I mean texting. Texts are the new phone call. I hate it. But at least I don't have to worry about going over on my minutes?). Anyway, new guy has terrible texting grammar - I thought either he was not a native English speaker or slightly MR. In real life, he was surprisingly easy to joke with, although he wasn't reading my expressions very well. We spent AGES together, watching sports, movies, talking about stuff, and making out. ;)
I really enjoyed myself and want to see him again. Everyday. Which my mind tells me is not the way this is going to go down. Over the past month, I've found that he is not good at a) planning ahead and b) asking me for a date. Now that we've gotten the first date taken care of, will he improve? Do I continue to pursue other people online?
Where do I stop worrying and start living? The stronger I feel about a man, the more likely I am to be impatient regarding communication and date frequency - which leads to chronic disappointment because HONESTLY PENNY! it is never a good idea for a guy to be able to text/call/email you throughout the day. It means he is unemployed or a slacker at work.
I'm reminding myself to relax. I'm reminding myself to let the relationship flow and develop. I do not need to over-think this. I can use my braincells for figuring out my money situation - and just let my emotions overwhelm me. Because THAT is the best part of dating. The beginning lust and excitement!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Mooching and Dating
Good meals are something I really look forward to. I'm also feeling emotionally wounded this week and want to take comfort in food. Not truly sustainable on my new money diet.
Options include mooching and dating. Both going to a friend's house for dinner and making dinner dates can result in me eating well without spending a dime ;) If I'm lucky, restaurant portions will be big enough to provide lunch the next day.
So I had a lovely meal Monday night at my sister's house. But they whine and complain about money a lot too, so I know that I really can't make that a Monday night tradition without pitching in and buying some of the ingredients. Which puts me back at the starting line. Except, I'd have to buy food for 3 people because my sister is married. And her husband eats a lot. Clearly, I need to find better mooching opportunities.
So I'm single - hence the living on my own and having to cover all of my expenses. It would be super nice to bring another earner into my life. But marrying for money is not possible for this lady - I've tried dating without passion and I don't like it.
However, dating for a good meal out doesn't seem like it is very wrong. Of course, I'm not going to accept a date with someone I'm not at all interested in (looking at you T, c'mon, you really think "I like to cuddle and I'm good at hugs" is a good pick-up line? I need more content to figure out if you're worth my time). I looooooove eating at restaurants, and thought I had a date all lined up for Saturday night. But he is also having budget issues and I flubbed the invite to eat at his house instead. He's a smoker and I couldn't imagine trying to eat in his apartment while he is smoking. Because the secondhand smoke seriously suppresses my appetite. I mean, I'm not hungry the next morning after spending an evening with him and I'm someone who typically needs to eat within an hour of waking up. However, when I made a joke about that - he took great offense and we will not be seeing each other ever again.
There goes my free meal - and I'm also very upset that I don't get to see this man again. He was intelligent, complimentary, attentive, HOT, etc. Had so many good characteristics - except for the smoking, un-sugar daddy status, and clearly a paranoia about me not thinking he was good enough. He had made a few comments about how I would never end up with someone in his social class. And clearly he was right, because HE let it get in the way. So, emotional disappointment of getting dumped (is it dumped if it was supposed to be our 4th date?) combined with no meals to look forward to has me looking up menus during my lunch hour. Half of me says "10 dollars for dinner isn't that bad" and the other half responds with a sharp "there is no 10 dollars to spend! you spent it all already!" buuuut other people making me food tastes so much better. . .
Guess I'll keep looking for someone ready to be a partner and someone who understands my communication style, jokes and all. Money had always been a side concern of mine (probably why I didn't notice all the debt I was racking up), but let's be honest. I have enough worries of my own that I don't want to think about if you have the gas money to drive over and see me.
Options include mooching and dating. Both going to a friend's house for dinner and making dinner dates can result in me eating well without spending a dime ;) If I'm lucky, restaurant portions will be big enough to provide lunch the next day.
So I had a lovely meal Monday night at my sister's house. But they whine and complain about money a lot too, so I know that I really can't make that a Monday night tradition without pitching in and buying some of the ingredients. Which puts me back at the starting line. Except, I'd have to buy food for 3 people because my sister is married. And her husband eats a lot. Clearly, I need to find better mooching opportunities.
So I'm single - hence the living on my own and having to cover all of my expenses. It would be super nice to bring another earner into my life. But marrying for money is not possible for this lady - I've tried dating without passion and I don't like it.
However, dating for a good meal out doesn't seem like it is very wrong. Of course, I'm not going to accept a date with someone I'm not at all interested in (looking at you T, c'mon, you really think "I like to cuddle and I'm good at hugs" is a good pick-up line? I need more content to figure out if you're worth my time). I looooooove eating at restaurants, and thought I had a date all lined up for Saturday night. But he is also having budget issues and I flubbed the invite to eat at his house instead. He's a smoker and I couldn't imagine trying to eat in his apartment while he is smoking. Because the secondhand smoke seriously suppresses my appetite. I mean, I'm not hungry the next morning after spending an evening with him and I'm someone who typically needs to eat within an hour of waking up. However, when I made a joke about that - he took great offense and we will not be seeing each other ever again.
There goes my free meal - and I'm also very upset that I don't get to see this man again. He was intelligent, complimentary, attentive, HOT, etc. Had so many good characteristics - except for the smoking, un-sugar daddy status, and clearly a paranoia about me not thinking he was good enough. He had made a few comments about how I would never end up with someone in his social class. And clearly he was right, because HE let it get in the way. So, emotional disappointment of getting dumped (is it dumped if it was supposed to be our 4th date?) combined with no meals to look forward to has me looking up menus during my lunch hour. Half of me says "10 dollars for dinner isn't that bad" and the other half responds with a sharp "there is no 10 dollars to spend! you spent it all already!" buuuut other people making me food tastes so much better. . .
Guess I'll keep looking for someone ready to be a partner and someone who understands my communication style, jokes and all. Money had always been a side concern of mine (probably why I didn't notice all the debt I was racking up), but let's be honest. I have enough worries of my own that I don't want to think about if you have the gas money to drive over and see me.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Addictions
Caffeinated soda
Gas Station Cheese filled breadsticks
Baked Lays
I just really can't make these any cheaper folks! I've splurged twice already. Went out for dinner last night instead of making myself go home and eat out of the pantry. $10 bucks gone . . . thanks McAllister's potatoes and sweet tea. Apparently, I'm feeling carb-loading-rific lately. This morning, I grabbed 2 breadsticks and some baked lays when all I really needed was a caffeine kick. $4 more bucks gone.
$14 doesn't feel like a lot, right? More than an hour of work though. And about $14 that I can't afford. I put it all on my debit card though. So YAY! I'm not paying 30% interest on it! However, I am paying for what I already bought last month. The whole thing is making my head spin.
At least last night I broke up with my internet provider. It was a clean break - I said no thank you, they disconnected me, and I didn't get an extra charge for discontinuing services! I may even get $50 bucks back since I pre-paid for December. Hope the cute guy behind the counter was telling the truth. Thanks for the 2 great years of anywhere internet connection, Verizon. The services were lovely, just waaaay to expensive to maintain. Thank goodness my computer died anyway so I don't feel bad about not having the internet at home anymore. . . now the question is do I try and get my computer repaired? Or just live with it dead and call it modern art?
Gas Station Cheese filled breadsticks
Baked Lays
I just really can't make these any cheaper folks! I've splurged twice already. Went out for dinner last night instead of making myself go home and eat out of the pantry. $10 bucks gone . . . thanks McAllister's potatoes and sweet tea. Apparently, I'm feeling carb-loading-rific lately. This morning, I grabbed 2 breadsticks and some baked lays when all I really needed was a caffeine kick. $4 more bucks gone.
$14 doesn't feel like a lot, right? More than an hour of work though. And about $14 that I can't afford. I put it all on my debit card though. So YAY! I'm not paying 30% interest on it! However, I am paying for what I already bought last month. The whole thing is making my head spin.
At least last night I broke up with my internet provider. It was a clean break - I said no thank you, they disconnected me, and I didn't get an extra charge for discontinuing services! I may even get $50 bucks back since I pre-paid for December. Hope the cute guy behind the counter was telling the truth. Thanks for the 2 great years of anywhere internet connection, Verizon. The services were lovely, just waaaay to expensive to maintain. Thank goodness my computer died anyway so I don't feel bad about not having the internet at home anymore. . . now the question is do I try and get my computer repaired? Or just live with it dead and call it modern art?
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